It’s hard to be heard. Even with all of today’s social outlets (tumblr, twitter, facebook, blog sites, youtube), it can still feel like you’re just shouting into an empty cave at times. I can tweet all day, post on my tumblr, make videos and update my blog but if there isn’t an audience, I might as well be talking to myself. It makes me wonder how much harder it was to reach out to people before the invention of the internet.
I think the most frustrating part, though, is that I feel completely unimaginative lately. I want so badly to reach out to people and offer them just a few moments of enjoyment here and there, but I lack the ideas to generate interest. When I tell you that I need suggestions, I feel like I’m just hearing my own echoes returned to me. No one seems to have any interest in what I’m saying, and that’s not just frustrating. That’s depressing.
Why is it important to me to be heard? Is it because I want to be famous on the internet? I don’t really think fame would suit me, if I’m honest. I am so acutely aware of my humanity in that I am constantly in fear of messing everything up around me at any given moment. I can’t imagine the stress of having my every thought or move scrutinized due to my being “famous”. So, what? What is my reason for craving to be heard?
If I’m perfectly honest, it’s because I feel more comfortable being honest with total strangers than I do with those who know me. I tend to shut people out, afraid of their judgement or their disappointment in me. I fear that not many people truly know me and if no one knows me, then how can I exist? It’s an existential crisis. So, by putting myself out onto the web, I feel like I’m able to create myself and really exist. Does that even make sense?
I have things to say. I have opinions that I am often afraid to put across. I’ve been through things that I don’t yet know how to retell. But I want to touch people. I want to touch your lives. I want to be a ray of sunlight in a dark place. I can’t lie and say that I’m a totally positive person. The opposite is true. I tend to be cynical and sarcastic and negative. I am constantly told to stop being so pessimistic and as much as I want to be a positive person, it’s something I struggle with just about every minute. Making this YouTube channel and talking to you may seem pretty pointless from the outside, but it is helping me to heal from all the pain I’m carrying around inside.
Help me to touch you. Show me what you need me to be to lift you up when you’re feeling down. I don’t want to be some internet personality; that is not my goal. I want to inspire people to pursue happiness in their lives and stop being complacent. I want to move people into action, whether that be to pursue a dream or to just stop hating themselves. I need your help, though. Help me stop straining my voice, trying to scream into this cavernous void. Answer me. I’m right here. Just answer me.