Maeby Today

Will someone please tell me why I ever thought that coming “home” would be a good idea? I’ve been nothing but miserable since the very moment I crossed the state line into Michigan. Today, in particular, has been one hell of a bad day.

Last night, due to all of my stress and frustration, I basically blew up at Hank for no reason. I had the best cry I’ve had in a long time, and also screamed myself nauseous until I finally apologized and let him go to bed at three in the morning (his time). That wasn’t great fun, honestly, but it happened so there it is. To his credit, he put up with it. So there’s that.

Considering that my parents and one of my sisters (along with her husband and my niece) all went out of town for the whole weekend, I was pretty… disappointed that my friend, who is begging me to move in with her, keeps going out with other friends and not even inviting me. I feel childish for having hurt feelings, but I just drove twelve hours because you have been begging me to come for over a month. I don’t think it would have killed you to invite me to see the movie with a group of friends, or to go to the Ren Faire. 

My roommate in Virginia woke me up with a text today. They had to put their oldest dog to sleep. She has cancer and we knew it was only a matter of time, but it’s still rough and really rotten timing. I already felt wretched for not being there, knowing that my other roommate, her boyfriend, is going to be very little consolation. He’s also flying to California tonight, so she’ll be alone now. Oh, but it gets better. Due to my not being there, her mom came and picked her up to take her to her dad’s so that she wouldn’t be alone this week. And he was so drunk that he didn’t realize that he had a stroke. He’s dying. 

My other really good friend in Virginia called today, as well. She broke up with her boyfriend and kicked him out. He’s driving to Florida today, having no idea what he’s going to do. She’s really upset, obviously, and no one is there to cheer her up. Once again, I’m just a terrible friend.

So, on top of all of that, I had to go to my parents’ house to file for the unemployment today. My sister was there ‘dog-sitting’. She informed me that I’m a worthless human being leeching off of the government and that I can’t get a job or have ‘real relationships’ because everyone hates me. She said she hates that I think I can just show up and ruin everyone’s lives. I called her a bitch and she called my dad and told on me. She is twenty-nine. 

All I do is cry. I’m too stubborn to show how much things hurt me but there’s only so much abuse that I can take. Now my parents are mad at me, too, thanks to her calling them and literally screaming and crying down the phone as though I was stabbing her. I wasn’t even saying anything. I didn’t even reply to anything she had said to/about me. But I’m the problem.

I feel like I came home because I was so depressed that I literally was groping for some sort of reassurance that my life isn’t just a waste of energy and all I got was confirmation that I’m useless. I’m considering driving toward Virginia and never making it there.