Nearing the End

Will someone please tell me why I ever thought that coming “home” would be a good idea? I’ve been nothing but miserable since the very moment I crossed the state line into Michigan. Today, in particular, has been one hell of a bad day.

Last night, due to all of my stress and frustration, I basically blew up at Hank for no reason. I had the best cry I’ve had in a long time, and also screamed myself nauseous until I finally apologized and let him go to bed at three in the morning (his time). That wasn’t great fun, honestly, but it happened so there it is. To his credit, he put up with it. So there’s that.

Considering that my parents and one of my sisters (along with her husband and my niece) all went out of town for the whole weekend, I was pretty… disappointed that my friend, who is begging me to move in with her, keeps going out with other friends and not even inviting me. I feel childish for having hurt feelings, but I just drove twelve hours because you have been begging me to come for over a month. I don’t think it would have killed you to invite me to see the movie with a group of friends, or to go to the Ren Faire. 

My roommate in Virginia woke me up with a text today. They had to put their oldest dog to sleep. She has cancer and we knew it was only a matter of time, but it’s still rough and really rotten timing. I already felt wretched for not being there, knowing that my other roommate, her boyfriend, is going to be very little consolation. He’s also flying to California tonight, so she’ll be alone now. Oh, but it gets better. Due to my not being there, her mom came and picked her up to take her to her dad’s so that she wouldn’t be alone this week. And he was so drunk that he didn’t realize that he had a stroke. He’s dying. 

My other really good friend in Virginia called today, as well. She broke up with her boyfriend and kicked him out. He’s driving to Florida today, having no idea what he’s going to do. She’s really upset, obviously, and no one is there to cheer her up. Once again, I’m just a terrible friend.

So, on top of all of that, I had to go to my parents’ house to file for the unemployment today. My sister was there ‘dog-sitting’. She informed me that I’m a worthless human being leeching off of the government and that I can’t get a job or have ‘real relationships’ because everyone hates me. She said she hates that I think I can just show up and ruin everyone’s lives. I called her a bitch and she called my dad and told on me. She is twenty-nine. 

All I do is cry. I’m too stubborn to show how much things hurt me but there’s only so much abuse that I can take. Now my parents are mad at me, too, thanks to her calling them and literally screaming and crying down the phone as though I was stabbing her. I wasn’t even saying anything. I didn’t even reply to anything she had said to/about me. But I’m the problem.

I feel like I came home because I was so depressed that I literally was groping for some sort of reassurance that my life isn’t just a waste of energy and all I got was confirmation that I’m useless. I’m considering driving toward Virginia and never making it there.


3 responses to “Nearing the End”

  1. OK. I moved home to the Midwest and hate it. Then I ended up disabled, and most recently got done with 19 months of chemo for cancer- and yet I have SO much to be thankful for. You MUST look at the good stuff, or you won’t allow yourself to be happy. Happiness isn’t about what you don’t have- it’s about being thankful for what you do….. that might sound a bit harsh,but I’ve been there. A gratitude journal probably literally saved my life many years ago- and I still use the concept to help me through tough times.

    Have your pain- but look at what you HAVE. Nobody would be happy if they waited for what they want ! Hang in there, and make your life happen. Nobody else can do it for you ! You’re still young- you can do what you want- or not. 😉

    1. I really appreciate your advice. I just need to figure out HOW to follow it right now. I can certainly look at the positive side of things with some effort, but I don’t know how to do what I want because I’m so scared to disappoint the people that are asking so much of me. Thank you for reading and for offering your advice!

  2. My first thing I was thankful for was pathetic…. “My socks match”. It got to that level, but soon I realized I had feet to put in socks, carpet on my floor, a roof over my head, friends, a job, and so on. It’s really not that bad when you get started !! Even those little plastic things on shoelaces make my life better (they’re called aglets). 🙂 Just get out a notebook and look around the room you’re sitting in- and write down 5 things that you’re thankful for. Every night write down five different things (no fair repeating them !). It really does help- might take a couple of weeks, but I did it for a whole year- you can too !!

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