The State of Discontentment

I have been wanting to drive home to Michigan for a while for a few reasons. First of all, I miss my pets. I have a dog and two cats that live with my parents. My roommate is allergic to cats and sometimes, I swear to you, I have withdrawal from cats. They are so anti-stressful to me. I also get really nervous when I’m away from my pets for too long, because I don’t want anything to happen to them while I’m away. I obviously know that they’re well taken care of with my parents and my dog has a huge yard there, but I guess I’m selfish.

Second, I just found out that my sister is pregnant with her second child. It really makes no sense that this should be a reason, since obviously there is no new child to be seen just yet. I’m just throwing that out there, though, in conjunction with the fact that I am missing my niece’s childhood. She’s two now. Too old.

I guess I just get homesick, you know? So, I loaded up my car and hit the road yesterday. I set the GPS (Jarvis Garmin, we call him) to ‘avoid tolls’ and drove for twelve hours through a very scenic route. No traffic! I thought I would never get here, though. Avoiding tolls tacked on two hours to the drive but I think it was worth it.

Here’s the thing, though. I got here last night just before one in the morning and I came in, quickly saw my parents and then went to lay down with my dog. By all accounts, everything is how I expected it to be and yet it… isn’t? I’m restless. When I’m in Virginia, I get homesick. When I’m in Michigan, I feel weird. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. It isn’t a matter of being unwanted. I have my roommate in Virginia asking me to please only stay here for a week and I have my best friend here in Michigan acting like I’m moving i nwith her permanently. She made me a key to her apartment and informed me this morning, by text, that she had cleared me a whole shelf in the bathroom and cleaned out a closet for me to use. How do I tell her that this is just a visit? I have a hard time letting people down. I constantly go out of my way to avoid disappointing people, much to my chagrin.

Then, of course, you’re probably all wondering what the deal is with Hank. Still waiting. How can it be possible that his work has still not paid him? If you live and work in Spain, please weigh in here. He has stopped working, as have his entire crew, in protest of not being paid for their work. He’s spoken to the men about all chipping in toward hiring an attorney to sue the company. That doesn’t really make me feel better, though. Suing is a long process and I don’t have the time for it. Add to that the issue of his phone being messed up and no solution is forth coming on that front, either. So, to quote Adele, do I give up? Or do I just keep chasing pavements?

Holding on, but just barely. I feel like my life has absolutely no purpose right now. I can’t get a job (still!), I don’t feel content, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere… I just feel like I’m blowing in the wind. A very serious part of me wants to run away again, maybe to Ireland this time. I miss Scotland. I miss having an adventure but I really don’t have the money to take that leap this time. If I’m truly diligent, I can be out of debt before my Unemployment stops. I just need to wait. It’s hard.

Help me. I’ve never felt so lost.


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